4 Signs of Unhealed Attachment Trauma
The earliest trick we learn in life is how to ask for help, and that’s through tears. Infants don’t only cry when they’re hungry. Sometimes, they want warmth, closeness, social attention, safety reassurance, and other emotional reassurance.
Caregivers who learn to respond to these needs cultivate securely attached children. They grow to be securely attached adults who set healthy boundaries, have meaningful relationships, and feel comfortable expressing themselves to others.
Caregivers who fail to meet an infant’s emotional needs, however—whether it be through emotional neglect, physical abuse, loss of a parent through death or divorce, or mental illness—can cultivate children with attachment trauma.
How can you tell if you have unhealed attachment trauma? Look out for any of these four signs.
1. You avoid intimacy and closeness.
While we may not remember specific images or sounds from our infant years, research shows we do retain memories. Events that happen to us in infancy are still stored in the brain, later affecting how we learn, behave, and cope with stress.
When you crave connection as an infant and instead get rejected by a caregiver, it can spark a chain reaction of insecurity throughout your life. Even as an adult, the anxiety of having to rely on someone can feel like too much when your earliest experience with trust was denied.
To avoid panicking, you may shut down whenever partners try getting close to you. This can look like making jokes during serious moments, brushing off deep conversations as unimportant, or shelling up when you feel vulnerable.
2. You cling to partners, sometimes to the point of pushing them away.
By the time we’re five months old, we know how to read the faces and tones of voices of our caregivers to discern their emotions. As we enter childhood, understanding adult emotions becomes complicated. Mom being angry could mean that dinner will be late because she typically gives the silent treatment first. Dad being sad could mean we aren’t going to soccer practice because he won’t feel like driving us anymore.
Feeling like we have to manage our caregivers’ emotions just to survive can translate to emotional alertness in adult relationships. You may find yourself monitoring your partner, constantly asking, “What’s wrong?” when nothing is, or trying to hurry them out of negative emotions to get back to a place of safety. This can feel invalidating or stifling, ultimately driving partners away.
3. You question your self-worth.
Our families are the first support systems we have in life. Built on a stable foundation, children can grow up with a strong sense of self and feel more confident facing challenges. An unstable foundation, however, can lead to a harmful combination of low self-esteem and self-reliance.
If, when growing up, your caregivers tended to criticize you more than support you, you may also struggle with doubtful voices in your head that affect your attitude and outlook on life and yourself.
4. You hold tightly to your independence.
As an adult, you may at first feel proud of your independence. However, prizing it because you have a fear of intimacy can cause you to juggle too much for one person and burnout. You may also start to resent friends for never helping you. (Even though you never actually communicated your needs to them.)
Left unhealed, you may choose to avoid relationships altogether, seeing them as more potential for pain than joy. But everyone deserves a fair shot at love. Therapists can be a great resource to explore how attachment trauma has affected your life and relationships.
Just because you haven’t had it before doesn’t mean it’s out of reach. Ready to accept your past and move confidently into a more authentic future? Schedule your first appointment today for trauma counseling.
